mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
