He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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