Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
