i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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