An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
