I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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