also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
