I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
