I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
