If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
