I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
