your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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