I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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