Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
