my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
