i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
