how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
