Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
FUCK WHALES
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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