Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
