At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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