I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
