she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
