if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
