Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
