I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
