I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just found a bag of teeth...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
