Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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