Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Im part way to drunk.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
