My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
