I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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