I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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