I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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