Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
