I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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