so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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