I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
