If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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