The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
