there's paper in my vomit.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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