I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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