his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
