I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
