i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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