Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
