And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
