Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
