He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
