You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
