Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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