Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
