hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
